In a previous article, we wrote about cats who have become famous using the internet as their medium. In case you felt inspired enough to try and propel your own pet to stardom and glory, fret not, for we’re here to help you. After months, yes, that’s right, months, of extensive “research” on this vital subject, we’ve finally cracked the formula to pet stardom and we’re going to help you with it. Just grab your pet and follow us, and in no time you’ll be fending off hordes of screaming fans, all of whom want a glimpse of your baby. Let’s not pretend you’re not financially motivated here, hoping to mooch off your pet’s fame, so might as well order the merchandize with your pet’s face on it and all the posters with pawtographs on them. Starting off, the internet is your best bet. Print media is obsessed with celebrities and what they wear to each others’ weddings and television news people are too busy yelling over the eight other people on the screen, trying desperately to be heard and failing, so this is the only place where people will attach any importance to a cat that pretends to play the keyboard. Create an account on every social media site you’ve heard of, and then some more.Bombard your Facebook friends’ feeds with regular updates regarding what your pet is doing, what it’s eating, what that latest cure thing it did is. You might end up getting unfriended by a couple of people, but never mind them, they’ll come crawling back once you er….your pet enters the limelight. It’s only a matter of time.
So now that you’ve set yourself up, you need content to swamp all your social media accounts with. The first thing to do, is to get your pets some adorable clothes, preferably hipster-ish. Try hats, everyone loves animals in hats, and all the scratches you endure while trying to stuff the poor animal into a sweater will be well worth all the likes you’ll get. Follow your little celebrity-in-the-making around with a camera 24/7, let no adorable antic go undocumented, whether real or engineered. Erm no, stuffing your cat into uncomfortably tiny cardboard boxes is not cool and you deserve every hiss and scratch your feline threw your way. Try to make them look as human-like as possible, or try and catch them doing things like standing on hind legs, so you can do one of those *he thinks he’s human!!* photos. Animals trying to be human (or their masters posing them as such) are always hilarious.
If your pet is being boring and is doing nothing worthy of posting online today, the good old pet shaming photos and videos can always be your last resort. Invent some hilarious mischief your pet supposedly did, write it out on a piece of paper and hang it around your nonplussed pet’s neck. The sillier the crime, the funnier the photo. Never mind that your pet has better manners than you ever will, all’s fair when it comes to fake internet points.
The next step, is shameless promotion. Blog not getting enough traffic? Piggybacking on the fame of others is the way to go. Just visit the Facebook pages, twitter accounts, Instagrams of everyone even remotely famous that you know of, use your powers of subtlety to steer the conversation in every thread in the direction of your pet and just casually drop a link as you leave. This tactic is also known as spamming. What? Won’t people get annoyed, you ask? Maybe, but only up till the point where they see that photo of Tubby dressed up as Elvis Presley.
Trust us, it works. And no, of course nobody’s going to block you, everyone just loves going through endless updates about how Whiskers chewed up yet another charger cable.
So now that you’ve managed to create something of an online presence for your pet, it’s time for the final phase or Project PetFame. Just cute photos won’t cut it, you think you’re the only one out there trying to make your pet famous? There’s a fluffy cat who dresses up as a pirate, think your pet can compete with something as adorable as that? The answer, unless your pet can do something as spectacular as tap dance, is a resounding No. What you need is to find a trademark, a certain X Factor. Grumpy cat has his grouchy expression, Menswear Dog has his dapper style quotient, what can you give your pet that is unique and appealing?
An enviable collection of hats perchance? Or the ability to perform fancy tricks (we’re not talking about *drop and roll* here, this is the big league)? Peculiar coat markings in the shape of a Hindu deity, or a moustache? This is something you’ll need to figure out by yourself. Every pet is unique, and it’s up to you to find out what their special talent is. Won’t pretend to sing karaoke for you? Never mind, maybe musical sensation isn’t what you should be going for. Try dressing them up as famous Bollywood stars instead. That should keep you going for a while.
Once you’ve figured out what your pet’s USP is, just sit back and watch the moolah roll in in the form of advertisements, photobook deals and promotional events. Don’t forget to share the windfall with your pet, of course. Remember, they’re the star, not you.